It’s really weird to think that today you would have been 7 years old. You would have been in first grade. I often wonder how our lives would have been if you’d have lived. If you’d have been healthy. You and Lily would be best friends. I often wonder why Heavenly Father took you back. I mean, I know you must have been really righteous in the pre-mortal life. However, you could have been born during the millennium and I would be no more the wiser.
It’s been a tough 7 years for me. We’re told that we’re never given anymore than we can take. I’ve wondered for the past 7 years though. Horrible thoughts have gone through my mind. Initially in the beginning. What if the church isn’t true? What if we really don’t pass on? How do I really know that you are ok? What if all of those people who don’t believe in God are right? That there is nothing? That is what satan did to me. He kept whispering these horrible things in my ear. I then mentally slapped myself. Of course the church is true. Of course we pass on. I personally have known this since I was 18! I know you’re ok and where you are supposed to be. Those people are wrong. God is real. He loves us. He knows us. And yes, he knows that I was going to be mad at him for taking you away. He knew that before he sent you down to me. He knew I would struggle for years. And years. And that I still struggle.
And this is my motto: Fake it until you make it. You paste that smile on your face. You go to church every Sunday. You participate in whatever calling you’re given. You just keep going until it becomes natural again. Oh, it would have been so easy to go inactive. That’s the easy way out. In fact, that’s exactly what the adversary wants you to do. He LOVES it when he wins. Who doesn’t? I love to win. Which is why I fake it until I make it, because really, I’m going to win over him. He’s nothing. In fact, he’ll never get a body and if I’ve learned on thing in this life, it’s that misery loves company.
I’m finally feeling alive again. It’s taken 7 years. No, that’s not fair to Lauren, Kathryn, Lily or your dad. And again, I wonder why Heavenly Father put this trial in my life. I know you’re not coming back. (For now) I have come to the conclusion that I need to put my big girl panties on. I’ll live my life so I can raise you. I’ll do what I’m supposed to do because I know it’s right. And for the first time in 7 years,
my smile is real.