Ok, this is the last installation of my sweet Amy Lynne. I just couldn’t write it all out at once. I wanted to remember every detail that I could.
So after I had cleaned up my room and woke up Benjamin, we came down with our stuff. While that had happened, the nurse had taken hand prints of each of the girls’ hands and then she took Amy Lynne’s foot print and made each of the girls their own Christmas ornament. She labeled it Christmas 2006.
Even though we were done with Christmas 11 days ago, I thought it was really sweet of her. She then handed me some scissors to which I cut off a lock of her hair, but since they had shaved her head to get IV’s in there, there wasn’t much hair I could clip. So what I did clip, we put it on transparent dressing (the tape that goes over the IV and literally sucks to your skin). From there, she made some mix to put her foot and hand in. It’s a really cool process. After she mixed it up, we took her foot and put it in. After that, she poured plaster mix into it and it needs to set for something like 24 hours. We also did that with her hand. They had a special keepsake box that they put everything into.
About this time, my father had finally arrived with the car seat. Need I mention that it took him literally hours because of the traffic? Have I mentioned that my dad had never held Amy Lynne? All this time, she was still alive. It was now around 5pm.
I asked my dad if he wanted to hold Amy Lynne. He said no, it was OK, I could hold her. I insisted. I put her in his arms and he got to rock his grandchild for the last time. My dad always rocked us kids growing up. He also rocked all of his grandchildren. He just sat there with her for about 20 or so minutes and rocked her while we got everything together to leave. Packing up a lot of stuff. Believe me when I say a lot of stuff. I had no clue we had gathered so much crap over an almost 3 month period. I take her from my dad and I’m getting ready to put her in an nice brand new outfit for her ride home. I set her on the bed. I turned around to grab the clothes and my mother said something and we all were looking at her and laughing. I turned around to change her diaper and get her in her fresh clothes.
Only to find that my sweet daughter had finally passed away.
She waited until my dad got there and could hold her. She waited while we were laughing and not every eye was on her before she left us. You know, the doctors and nurses had told me that when she finally passed, I would know. All day long, I had been looking at her. Wondering if she had passed. I was angry at them for not giving me more guidance. But in the end, they were right. I knew exactly when she passed. My perfect celestial daughter had waited for all of us to hold her and kiss her, giving us the time we needed to say good-bye. Waiting for the exact right time to leave us.
I was so scared now. She was dead. Would the hospital let us still leave with her? I still needed some time to hold her. Without the whole world looking in on me. I change her diaper and still get her in her fresh clothes. The nurse walks in. I’m scared that she will pronounce her and then they’ll take my precious baby away from me. Take her somewhere where she will be cold. She puts the stethoscope up to her heart. While her heart has stopped beating, mine was in overdrive. She looks at me, and I look at her. She takes it away and tells me that her heart is still beating and to get her in her car seat and take her home.
I took her home that night. Where my daughters could hold her and give her one last loving. My mother bathed her in my kitchen sink. We got to hold her and take a lot of pictures. Especially of her with me. Did you know that the only picture I have of Amy Lynne and me while she was alive is a Polaroid from Christmas day?? I couldn’t believe I didn’t have any other pictures of her and me. It is my one huge regret.
Later on, after we had time to really say good-bye as a family, we called the paramedics to pronounce her dead.
Officially, she was pronounced dead somewhere between 11 and midnight. When she really passed away was around 5:35. With her family there with her, laughing.
October 21, 2006- January 4, 2007.
I can’t wait to see her again.