So since we were told that she would probably pass within about 30 minutes, I had asked that the room be cleared leaving just the nurse, the respiratory therapist, Benjamin and I. They had taken her crib out and brought in a regular sized hospital bed. So Benjamin and I could lay down with her. Which let me tell you, wasn’t enough room! So the nurse is there, ready with a ton of morphine. I was so afraid that it would hurt her to die. I begged the nurse and the doctors that they would give her so much morphine that it wouldn’t hurt. The nurse unplugged her from her PICC line and the IV that was in her.
The respiratory therapist at this point, was bagging her. He brought her over to us on the bed, and sat in a chair. He let me give her some more kisses and then he gently un-taped her mouth and pulled the vent out. He quietly left the room. At the same time, the nurse pushed a hefty dose of morphine into her system. After about 10 minutes of nothing and thinking that she was going to pass very soon, she took a huge breath. Scared the crap out of me. Benjamin too. The nurse gave her another shot of morphine.
She started taking “regular” breaths at that point meaning that she was taking a breath about every 2 minutes. They told me to expect that. I didn’t believe them. After about 20 minutes, I received a strong impression that my mother needed to be in the room with us. I knew that Amy Lynne wasn’t going to go until her grandmother came in. So I asked the nurse if she would please go out and get my mother. By this point, I was sitting up in the bed with Benjamin and I was holding Amy Lynne in my arms. My mother came in and we talked a little. I then handed Amy Lynne over for my mother to hold. She was after all, named after my mother. Suddenly her heart rate comes back up and better to what it was before we disconnected her from all of her stuff. She pinks up, starts breathing regularly. All I could think was what have I done? She wasn’t ready and they made me make this decision. What if I’ve made the wrong one?
So we talked and after about another 20 minutes, we realized that she wasn’t going to die soon. So we asked the nurse to please bring in Jeri and my dad. Later we found out Jeri was very upset that we hadn’t asked for her to come in when we had asked for my mother. So I take her once more and her breathing slows down again, and everything slows down. Huh??? So I give her to Jeri to hold for a minute.
Almost an hour has passed. The doctors come in and we get to talking and we were told that we can take her home. Really?? Really?? So I look at my dad, we give him the instructions of where the car seat is, and he leaves to go and get it so we can take her home. So she can die at home with her family. I cannot tell you how excited I was. Excited that I would be able to bring her home where we can be alone. Obviously I wasn’t excited that she was leaving us. We could take turns holding her. Our girls could hold her. We mostly spent a lot of the time singing hymns and talking and telling funny stories because we had to laugh. I mean seriously.
During that time, we thought she was going to die. I got pretty panicky that we weren’t going to be able to take her home after all. Then she took a deep breath. One of the doctors came in and crouched down near my chair. She asked me if we were doing ok. I responded that I was OK. She then asked me if I needed to baptize Amy Lynne. She could arrange it. I thanked her and then told her no. I really thought she was going to pass out that I had said no. I looked at her and asked her to what sin has she committed that she needed to be baptized for? She look startled and said that she hadn’t committed any sin. I then asked her if she was Catholic. That was the only religion that I knew of that baptized babies. She responded that she was. I gently told her that it was OK that she wasn’t baptized. I highly doubt that our God would punish her for this slight (In the fact that we weren’t going to have her baptized). She agreed with me and then by this point, Amy Lynne had not had one breath while she was in the room. She put the stethoscope up to Amy Lynne’s heart and listened for a while and got this very sad look upon her face. She looked up at me and said “I’m so sorry, but Amy Lynne has passed away.” I’m all, really?? I was so surprised.
And then she took a really deep breath and scared the crap out of all of us even the doctor jumped. I say, “Give me the stethoscope now, I want to listen” She hands it over. She’s all, you know, they have air that needs to escape their body. However, I heard a heartbeat still. So being that I’m such a
timid pushy person, I say, “her heart is still beating! She’s not dead!” I then asked her to leave the stethoscope with me so we could listen whenever we wanted too.
This was about 3:30 or so in the afternoon. We decide that we need to go upstairs and clean out my little sleeping room since we’re not going to need it tonight. So Benjamin and I take her upstairs. It was very thrilling to me to be free of all the wires and tubes. I could walk with her where we wanted to. So we go upstairs. I give her to Benjamin. He’s so tired. He takes a nap with Amy Lynne in his arms while I clean the room and get everything ready to go home. We were up there around 45 minutes.
Well, I guess this is going to turn into another post. However, it’s Lily’s family party tomorrow. I’ll be posting about that tomorrow afternoon. I’ll finish up Amy Lynne’s story on Monday.