Today is my baby’s birthday. She would have been two. I remember when I found out I was expecting. I was so excited but nervous too. Was I too old to have kids? How would my body react? Wow, we weren’t even trying! I remember being so sick in my first trimester. One of the women who worked in the office across the street stopped me one day and looked me in the eye and said, "Are we a little green today?" It was a huge effort to even eat for fear that it would come right up. From past experiences, I knew that my sickness wouldn’t go away after 12 weeks. I had sickness throughout the whole pregnancy. I remember when I was about 15-16 weeks pregnant finding out we were having another girl. I was so excited! Benjamin got used to it. Also, around this time, I started in with some serious headaches. My arms and legs tingled and lost sensation as well as my neck. So off to a neurologist I went. I thought I had MS. My doctor, thought I had a brain tumor. I had to *gulp* have a MRI. I was around 23-24 weeks along at this point. Needless to say, I didn’t have a great time and in fact, turns out I don’t do well on ativan. So I didn’t have a brain tumor, and I didn’t have MS. I had pseudotumor cerebri. ( I would later find out that Amy’s stroke caused this because she couldn’t swallow so I had huge amounts of amniotic fluid in my body)
I vomited and had migraines throughout my pregnancy. I was huge. No, really I was. After you get to about 20 weeks, they start measuring your uterus. Well, you’re supposed to be 1 cm for every week that you are preggo. At 30 weeks, I was measuring 44cm. I should have only measured 30cm. Also, around 30 weeks, I started in with this horrible pain. It was so severe, that my vision would come in and out. They thought it was my gall bladder. It was in fact, (we later found out) an abruption.
It was all they could do to keep her in me. They put me on magnesium and they gave me beta methazone shots to help mature her lungs. At around 4pm, I started hemorrhaging. I was whisked into the OR. Amy Lynne came into the world and never made a peep. I remember hearing nothing and the weird way we were set up, Amy Lynne was basically at the foot of my table. I remember not hearing anything and the look of horror on my mother’s face. I kept asking about her and I was told nothing. I would later find out that her apgar score was 1 and that they were doing chest compressions on her. They intubated her and when she was finally pink, they turned the curtain down so I could look at her. She had a tube down her throat and they were bagging her. Off to the NICU they went. My mother went with her. Benjamin stayed with me, they finished sewing me up and I went back up to the 4th floor. We knew something was seriously wrong with her and within two hours of her birth, we had two brethren from our ward at the hospital to administer to her.
I remember feeling so helpless, not being able to be with her, not being able to see her, to touch her. Hours after, in the wee morning, I finally got to see her. And this is what I saw:
She had the darkest red hair. It was so curly. She was so easily calmed. She loved listening to church music. She was truly an angel. We would later find out after countless IV’s, blood transfusions, platelet transfusions, two lumbar punctures (spinal tap), hours of sitting in her hospital room just talking to her, letting her know that I was there, holding her, touching her, kissing her… that she had suffered a massive stroke in utero. It had taken out 90% of her brain and left the frontal lobe and the cerebellum in tact. She fought so hard to stay, stay just long enough for us to know why. 10 weeks 5 days to be exact.
I should have had a birthday party today. She should be into everything. My house should be baby-proofed. She would be smiling at me and giving me and her dad and sisters lots of kisses and hugs. She should be a holy terror at the office. She and Kjell should be getting into the toilet at work. Instead, for some reason, Heavenly Father needed her more than I did. There is something so important up there that couldn’t wait. Not even for a couple of years here on earth.
I miss my baby girl. I would do anything to get her back.